The State of Relationships

I have these two friends and they are both in relationships. When I say that, I mean they are physically with someone, but is it really a relationship, that's the unknown. We talk about things, some more than others but from those words, I think I have some understanding of where so many people are in relationships.

I think for many people, a relationship is nothing more than a dependent and an enabler. rather than people finding who their matches are, they find people who fulfill some need to either care for or be coddled by someone.

Friend 1 is a person my age who has this unbelievable creative and intelligent soul that just seems completely caged in. Over the years, she and I fell out of touch, but recently found each other again. The nice thing about that is that we seem to still have a solid trust in each other to speak freely about our lives. She knows of my aforementioned struggles in my divorce, and I hear her disappointment with the course her life has taken. For her, the person that she enjoyed spending so much time being passionate with, suddenly got thrust into responsibility with the birth of a child between them. While it seemed that their relationship was ideal at the start, that new responsibility and stress that came along, may have brought out some true colors that make her life so much more difficult. They try, and I think its great, but I wonder if they try for the wrong reasons. My heart tells me that they try because of the baby, and not for each other. I wish for them, that its not, but you can never really tell. Stories tell so much, and all you have to do is listen to them. Listen and realize that the paths they are on have strayed so far apart that they can't even see each other anymore.

Friend 2 is a far more complicated story. Friend 2 breaks my heart because its as if I am looking in the mirror. I see a life I lived and hate to see anyone else living in it, especially someone I care so deeply for. We've had countless conversations about how the life that she has is not like what I lived, and in most cases, I relent. I won't fight anymore. But, truthfully, it is almost identical. She is home, with two wonderful kids, not far from the ages of my own, and a person that couldn't truly care less about her existence. Now when I say that, I don't mean that he doesn't want her around. He does, someone needs to be there to take care of EVERYTHING. What I mean is, there isn't love there, there isn't companionship. There is co-existence. And that co-existence has manifested itself into these manic moments of pseudo happiness and unwavering disdain for each other. My friend is beautiful, intelligent, strong, and caring, and yet she has no self-esteem. Its not obvious when you see her, but its there. Whatever happened in her past, something has told her that she's not good enough. So, she takes it. She takes it to be by her kids, as if there was anything that could separate them. She continually tells me that she's a bad mother, which couldn't be further from the truth. She was so stressed last week that she started having anxiety attacks. Who did she talk to when all of that was happening, me, not her husband. And why? Deep down, somewhere inside, she knew that she couldn't depend on him to talk her thru it, to make her feel better. The shame of all of this is that she was the catalyst to my own change. She "helped" me get out of my misery and even in a joke in passing said so last week. My response was simple, "and yet I have had no success in helping you out." Earlier in that week, the day after the anxiety attack, he insulted her so badly that she told him they were thru. Were they through though, no. She isn't going anywhere and that's the saddest part. She was made to feel so inadequate and worthless that he has all the control. And I can't do anything. Even her family wants her to be happy, but she believes they won't support her. I know they will, all families do in the end, even if they didn't want it to happen. She just deserves so much, and gets so little.

And my job for her is simple. I will be there when she wants someone to be that support. I am there to tell her what she needs to hear and fill that hole in her heart, but I will never be the one that holds it. I have to watch and hope each time this happens, because it always cycles back to that misery, she sees with a little more clarity and maybe realizes that she's far more worth it than not. I hope one day she has the courage to take charge, and stop blaming herself. I hope that one day she listens to the words of those around her and says what she needs to say. I hope one day she is free and happy, even if it means going thru so much pain to do it. Its truly worth it in the end.

So really, without sounding like the bitter divorcee, what is the point of all of this? Its obvious that the romantic ideal of love and relationships is all but extinct. So, why do we still strive? Why do i listen to these people and not physically grab them, and pull them out of it? I think its because, for most of us, the struggle is the middle of the love story. I think we see these things and hope that in the end, the guy gets the girl. The love returns. The passion comes alive and they feel more than they ever did before. Is that realistic? Absolutely not. For someone like me, that tries to be stoic and tough, I can't agree more. I still hope to hear my friend say that he's proposed and has become what she hoped he would be. I still hope that my friend, my love, sees that he's terrible and finally leaves. I hope that she might just look at me with a little more of a stare. Can someone fast forward to the end of the movie for me?

Never Hesitate

Right in Front of me she stood.
Mirrors behind her reflected beauty infinitely,
Her profile smacked my face.
This is my moment.
Red washed her curves, and black hugged her hips.
Does this look alright on me?
More than I can ever describe.
The warm rush of passion in my body.
Stand. Go to her. Take her body in your arms.
Kiss her. Love her.
She's standing there too long.
That's for you.
Move, Go. Please.
Gone.

I'll Switch Any Time

In the middle of all of what's happening in my divorce, one thing that has been driving me crazy has been hearing people tell me that it would be so great to be single again. I hear it constantly. "I'd switch with you in a heart beat to have my old life back." Everyone tells me about the freedom, the chance to be with so many women again, the life that I have back and all that crap. Well, lets get to some reality here. I have been with my now, ex-wife, since I was 16 years old. So, lets clear up some of the mysticism behind this. I never dated, never bedded so many women through the years, and never really lived by myself. So, the whole getting back what you had, is lost on me, since I never had it.

More importantly, lets go over what's so terrific about the single life. First; Dating. Lets see, what is so great about dating? Well, first there is the whole turning back into a teenager, terrified of women and really having no fathomable idea what you are to do to meet someone. The online dating thing is a novel idea, but all it really does is force someone to go shopping for people, and isn't that what most of us don't like about the dating scene to begin with? The fear that now a picture, not even yourself represents you. Second, Dating after divorce. If dating weren't difficult already, the inevitable repeated explanations about your divorce when meeting someone new. Couple with that, the fact that I have two, school age, children and watch how the well dries up. Most women, especially those in my age bracket, are not as likely to sign on for someone with a built in family. Quite the contrary, as most are ready to have children of their own, something I fully believe I am done with.

Next, there's the freedom issue. Freedom. If there was any justice in the universe, freedom would be a four letter word. You know what freedom really means - loneliness. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and you know what, I am lost because of it. There is something to be said for having order in your life. Now, by no means do I think anyone who lives in a relationship where you are truly asking permission to do something is good. However, its nice to have someone want you to be around. Of all of the things that I miss the most about my marriage, there is one that stands out. On Sunday nights, I would sit next to her on the couch and we'd watch the Amazing Race together. Nothing dazzling, nothing earth shattering, but its was companionship. For that hour, we were just together and laughing, something that happened for so little time over the years.

Lastly, there's the turmoil. See, contrary to what so many stereotypical parental divorces are, I miss my children and the way we were together. I have been fortunate enough to have my son live with me, but its at the expense of a relationship with his mother. My daughter lives with her, leaving me just six days a month where we are together, unless I can come up with an excuse to get her to me for something special. The divorce has set in motion events that I concern myself with every day. What will my kids grow up to be because they don't have both parents there at all times? How will my son ever learn to love the way I think he should, if he's seen what can happen first hand? How can my daughter ever trust a man, when all she's been told is how evil we can be? It may have been the best plan to split because it was a disaster, but the unknown is just as bad.

You know what, maybe the next time someone says that to me, I will take them up on the offer. If you really want to know what its like to be nervous, unsure, miserable, lonely, scared, sad, disjointed, and lost, you can take this spot. I will gladly jump into that normal life with your wife, who must have been decent enough to pick in the first place, and you can have my freedom, and my pain, and my worries. I don't want them.

Disappointing Sister

So, as I am fighting through a divorce that has been nothing short of a nightmare, I have tried with everything in me to end it. I have offered on four separate occassions all types of settlements in the hopes that we would avoid the inevitable court battle. Everyone says that every divorce is ugly, but I am trying to avoid that. I don't want to let a couple of wolves off their leash to tear apart the mother of my children. I may not love her anymore, but I would seriosuly have to question my humanity if I was willing so easily to let that happen.

Now, to backtrack, I should say its not that this humanity hasn't come at a price. My adversary does not share my view on trying to be civil. Its been pretty ugly, and the collateral damage that has resulted is, in my opinion, catastrophic. My children do not live together anymore, leaving me with 3 days out of 14 that allow me time with my daughter. My son's disdain for his mother is stronger than any anger or hatred I've ever felt toward her. Our families will not even look at each other, and have on several occassions, locked up on their own. And she and I have thrown hand grenade sized barbs at each other. I will chalk the first few months up to anger, but now there is no reason for it. I decided to try another approach and be very cordial and civil. It hasn't worked either.

So three nights ago, I swallow my heart and approach her with what will be my final offer. Simply put, I offer a sum of money plus child support plus rent and security for a new place, if she'll walk away from the family home that we can't sell. With what has happened to the banking industy in the last several weeks, and the real estate market being crippled, there is no way this house will sell for anything other than a substanial loss. My offer was to avoid all of that, by keeping the house, living in it, and protecting BOTH of us from a debt overhead of fifty to eighty thousand dollars. She seemed amiable to it, but said that she needed to think about it. I told her to take her time, but that if she was not going to agree, I would understand. But I don't. She left and then the real nerves set in.

I spoke to my parents, to countless friends, and even co-workers to see if I could have been perceived as being manipulative or sly in my offer. Everyone, and I mean everyone, said that it seemed like it was fair and just. Still, I tried to discount part of that, because there could be an obvious swaying of opinion, since most of these people don't like my ex. My mind said that it was right. Worse still, what I also kept in mind was if I was talking to people, so would she. The difference being that she has a couple of people in her corner that refuse to see the forest for the trees. One, in particular is her sister. She's been an angry and jealous person for a long time. She even went as far as to come on to me and proposition me. Can you imagine? And now, its her turn to fire back. She has bankrolled this fight on their side, and expects a return on her investment. And that return is revenge. What does it really get? Wow, at the end of this, we are still just divorced. Nothing more. We both will have debt, mine might be higher, but I have more potential. So, what, your goal was to watch this explode, but didn't care if it hurt the person you are supposed to be supporting? If she talks to other people, stronger people, I knew that she would hear from them better advice. I just had to play the game and wait and hope she chose the right influeneces.

Well, the waiting game ended at 1AM last night, she said No.

Facebook Etiquette

Rather than rehashing some things I have gone over countless times of late, there is something new that's been in my thoughts. Recently, I joined Facebook, and at first it was very interesting. My motives for joining were less than respectable, but once I joined, I was happy with the result. I connected with some co-workers and even found a really good friend I hadn't spoken to in years. It was interesting, like this time warp back to another period, until there were some startling realizations. I didn't really like that period so much. I was happy that I had reconnected with my friend, but then the requests for friendship started rolling in.

In two days, seven people from my high school sought out and requested my friendship. I accepted, because I wasn't sure what the etiquette is with rejecting folks. Would this somehow affect my friend-getting ability down the road? And then it dawned on me, my mindset had gone immediately back to high school and that fear of rejection all over again. If these people had ever really cared what I was doing in all of these years, wouldn't they have sought me out sooner. For that matter, wouldn't I had done the same. For one I was lucky, because I am glad we found each other, but the others, I am reduced to the same line of questions. How are you, how many kids, what do you do, etc. They don't care any more than they did a week ago, nor do I. But did that mean I should have never accepted them then? Its funny how blasts from the past, can suddenly remind you of the reason why its in the past.

Well, needless to say, in the fear of rejection from people from 15 plus years ago, I have never rejected a soul. I can't help it. I still want them to like me. Strange, years can pass, life can give you all kinds of things, but in an instant you can become that scared, outcast, pimply high school kid all over again.