The State of Relationships

I have these two friends and they are both in relationships. When I say that, I mean they are physically with someone, but is it really a relationship, that's the unknown. We talk about things, some more than others but from those words, I think I have some understanding of where so many people are in relationships.

I think for many people, a relationship is nothing more than a dependent and an enabler. rather than people finding who their matches are, they find people who fulfill some need to either care for or be coddled by someone.

Friend 1 is a person my age who has this unbelievable creative and intelligent soul that just seems completely caged in. Over the years, she and I fell out of touch, but recently found each other again. The nice thing about that is that we seem to still have a solid trust in each other to speak freely about our lives. She knows of my aforementioned struggles in my divorce, and I hear her disappointment with the course her life has taken. For her, the person that she enjoyed spending so much time being passionate with, suddenly got thrust into responsibility with the birth of a child between them. While it seemed that their relationship was ideal at the start, that new responsibility and stress that came along, may have brought out some true colors that make her life so much more difficult. They try, and I think its great, but I wonder if they try for the wrong reasons. My heart tells me that they try because of the baby, and not for each other. I wish for them, that its not, but you can never really tell. Stories tell so much, and all you have to do is listen to them. Listen and realize that the paths they are on have strayed so far apart that they can't even see each other anymore.

Friend 2 is a far more complicated story. Friend 2 breaks my heart because its as if I am looking in the mirror. I see a life I lived and hate to see anyone else living in it, especially someone I care so deeply for. We've had countless conversations about how the life that she has is not like what I lived, and in most cases, I relent. I won't fight anymore. But, truthfully, it is almost identical. She is home, with two wonderful kids, not far from the ages of my own, and a person that couldn't truly care less about her existence. Now when I say that, I don't mean that he doesn't want her around. He does, someone needs to be there to take care of EVERYTHING. What I mean is, there isn't love there, there isn't companionship. There is co-existence. And that co-existence has manifested itself into these manic moments of pseudo happiness and unwavering disdain for each other. My friend is beautiful, intelligent, strong, and caring, and yet she has no self-esteem. Its not obvious when you see her, but its there. Whatever happened in her past, something has told her that she's not good enough. So, she takes it. She takes it to be by her kids, as if there was anything that could separate them. She continually tells me that she's a bad mother, which couldn't be further from the truth. She was so stressed last week that she started having anxiety attacks. Who did she talk to when all of that was happening, me, not her husband. And why? Deep down, somewhere inside, she knew that she couldn't depend on him to talk her thru it, to make her feel better. The shame of all of this is that she was the catalyst to my own change. She "helped" me get out of my misery and even in a joke in passing said so last week. My response was simple, "and yet I have had no success in helping you out." Earlier in that week, the day after the anxiety attack, he insulted her so badly that she told him they were thru. Were they through though, no. She isn't going anywhere and that's the saddest part. She was made to feel so inadequate and worthless that he has all the control. And I can't do anything. Even her family wants her to be happy, but she believes they won't support her. I know they will, all families do in the end, even if they didn't want it to happen. She just deserves so much, and gets so little.

And my job for her is simple. I will be there when she wants someone to be that support. I am there to tell her what she needs to hear and fill that hole in her heart, but I will never be the one that holds it. I have to watch and hope each time this happens, because it always cycles back to that misery, she sees with a little more clarity and maybe realizes that she's far more worth it than not. I hope one day she has the courage to take charge, and stop blaming herself. I hope that one day she listens to the words of those around her and says what she needs to say. I hope one day she is free and happy, even if it means going thru so much pain to do it. Its truly worth it in the end.

So really, without sounding like the bitter divorcee, what is the point of all of this? Its obvious that the romantic ideal of love and relationships is all but extinct. So, why do we still strive? Why do i listen to these people and not physically grab them, and pull them out of it? I think its because, for most of us, the struggle is the middle of the love story. I think we see these things and hope that in the end, the guy gets the girl. The love returns. The passion comes alive and they feel more than they ever did before. Is that realistic? Absolutely not. For someone like me, that tries to be stoic and tough, I can't agree more. I still hope to hear my friend say that he's proposed and has become what she hoped he would be. I still hope that my friend, my love, sees that he's terrible and finally leaves. I hope that she might just look at me with a little more of a stare. Can someone fast forward to the end of the movie for me?