I'll Switch Any Time

In the middle of all of what's happening in my divorce, one thing that has been driving me crazy has been hearing people tell me that it would be so great to be single again. I hear it constantly. "I'd switch with you in a heart beat to have my old life back." Everyone tells me about the freedom, the chance to be with so many women again, the life that I have back and all that crap. Well, lets get to some reality here. I have been with my now, ex-wife, since I was 16 years old. So, lets clear up some of the mysticism behind this. I never dated, never bedded so many women through the years, and never really lived by myself. So, the whole getting back what you had, is lost on me, since I never had it.

More importantly, lets go over what's so terrific about the single life. First; Dating. Lets see, what is so great about dating? Well, first there is the whole turning back into a teenager, terrified of women and really having no fathomable idea what you are to do to meet someone. The online dating thing is a novel idea, but all it really does is force someone to go shopping for people, and isn't that what most of us don't like about the dating scene to begin with? The fear that now a picture, not even yourself represents you. Second, Dating after divorce. If dating weren't difficult already, the inevitable repeated explanations about your divorce when meeting someone new. Couple with that, the fact that I have two, school age, children and watch how the well dries up. Most women, especially those in my age bracket, are not as likely to sign on for someone with a built in family. Quite the contrary, as most are ready to have children of their own, something I fully believe I am done with.

Next, there's the freedom issue. Freedom. If there was any justice in the universe, freedom would be a four letter word. You know what freedom really means - loneliness. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and you know what, I am lost because of it. There is something to be said for having order in your life. Now, by no means do I think anyone who lives in a relationship where you are truly asking permission to do something is good. However, its nice to have someone want you to be around. Of all of the things that I miss the most about my marriage, there is one that stands out. On Sunday nights, I would sit next to her on the couch and we'd watch the Amazing Race together. Nothing dazzling, nothing earth shattering, but its was companionship. For that hour, we were just together and laughing, something that happened for so little time over the years.

Lastly, there's the turmoil. See, contrary to what so many stereotypical parental divorces are, I miss my children and the way we were together. I have been fortunate enough to have my son live with me, but its at the expense of a relationship with his mother. My daughter lives with her, leaving me just six days a month where we are together, unless I can come up with an excuse to get her to me for something special. The divorce has set in motion events that I concern myself with every day. What will my kids grow up to be because they don't have both parents there at all times? How will my son ever learn to love the way I think he should, if he's seen what can happen first hand? How can my daughter ever trust a man, when all she's been told is how evil we can be? It may have been the best plan to split because it was a disaster, but the unknown is just as bad.

You know what, maybe the next time someone says that to me, I will take them up on the offer. If you really want to know what its like to be nervous, unsure, miserable, lonely, scared, sad, disjointed, and lost, you can take this spot. I will gladly jump into that normal life with your wife, who must have been decent enough to pick in the first place, and you can have my freedom, and my pain, and my worries. I don't want them.